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I disappear when conflict comes.
Not like Houdini
(That would be more fun.)
Instead I pack away tight
Everything that matters to me
So that you can’t break it.
Pinching it tightly between my lips
So it cannot escape.
Locking it into the strong muscle of my heart
So you cannot deny it.
Clutching it in my belly
So you cannot see in my face
How much it matters to me.
It’s a pattern well-worn–
If I don’t want anything
It can’t be taken away
At the last minute
Even though I upheld
My end of the deal.
If I don’t ask,
I can’t be told
No no no no no no no no no
Again and again until I disappear.
It can’t be thrown back in my face,
My wants turned against me as weapons
Made more lethal because I made them
Myself so they know just where and how to hurt me.
Giving my power away feels so normal
That I’ll hand it to you myself
Without even noticing,
And call it success.
I don’t know where I stand
Unless I can see myself in you.
No more.
Right now
I unfold all the places
In my body where my want
Has been tucked away and hiding.
Right now
I use my lips
to speak my will.
I use the strong muscle of my heart
to take up space.
I use my belly
to breathe life into what matters most.
I know where I stand.
I will not deny my Self.
I am here.
Right now.